An attempt at something a bit more classy

I feel like I've been neglecting my blog, not in postings, but more in the content of those postings. Im supposed to be an English major, and I feel like my blog deserves something a bit more together and focused than the ramblings I've been posting. So, here goes.

I've been doing a lot of thinking as of late. Most of it about school, which consequently leads into thoughts about my own life. I know full well that at this point, I am solely in University for the sake of getting a degree. It would be somewhat of a bonus if, at the end of 4 years at Glendon, I had some sort of inkling as to what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

In all honesty, I am completely terrified of what could happen after I graduate. I am so afraid that I'm going to fall into some pathetic routine of whitecollardom. It would be a personal failure for me if I did. I see all these people on the subway, either on my way to school or Ontario Place, sitting on the subway with their briefcases, pressed shirts and ties and I am terrified. I dont want to fall into some horrid boring routine of going to an unrewarding job 9-5, and coming home to a cookie cutter suburban home like so many people do. I want more, I just dont know what.

Actually, I do know exactly what I want, it's just a matter of getting there. I know I want to be a musician. The only issue I face is the resounding lack of support I seem to be getting from the people closest to me. My father is indifferent, my mother keeps rattling off something about how I "dont practice enough" and my brother is completely convinced of his own superiority. I fired my last music teacher because he was a cynical bastard whose favorite teaching method was berating me. He also was teaching music as a science, which isnt at all helpful if you want to create your own. Im at a point where I just feel like I will never get anything off the ground because it will get blown up in the hangar. I have pages of lyrics, chord progressions, solos and riffs, but Im getting so down on myself that I dont seem to be able to build anything cohesive out of them. I know I need to start ignoring the outside factors, but it can be insanely difficult at times.

Surviving Prom

Hrm,

So, I went to her prom today. It went pretty well. I think I have finally completely relegated my feelings for her to the realm of platonicness, and tonite was the test - I passed. The prom itself was pretty much a carbon copy of my own prom last year, right down to the food. The only thing that made it slightly crapper was that the DJ didn't put a smattering of Grunge and Metal in towards the end of the night. That was great last year, we basically turned the dancefloor into a mosh pit, and half the people left on the spot.

We then headed to the after party. This is where the evening went downhill.

I dont know what you people think about this, but I've always felt that we as human beings are constantly experencing positive and negative energies from the various elements of our lives. Some people would call it "vibes," it's that inexplicable feeling of either positive or negative energy that a person, place or situation radiates.

Anyway, we get to the after party, and I have havent felt such a negative vibe in a long time. I wasnt sure if it was actually negative so much as indifferent, but it wasnt good regardless. This "party" was actually more of a "sit around." That is, a bunch of people sitting around drinking, with no real socialization or "partying" happening. You had a bunch of people literally sitting around and doing nothing, they were just sitting there drinking. I mean, when I went to Nadia's birthday party, it was awesome, bc i felt a really positive vibe, and there was like this energy bouncing off everyone, and I think it really fostered my ability to interact with people. Alternately, this was just dead. There were like 50 people sitting in a guys back yard and doing nothing!!

I decided to bail early, I had originally planned to be there til about 3am, but left at 130. I just didnt want to feed into that negativity. I had a good time otherwise, but I just realized that that whole highschool, party to think were cool scene is not my thing. Never was, but I think I was feeling like I owed it to myself to at least try it more than i did in HS. That was a wee bit of a mistake.

My Hands!

My hands are, well, purple. Good times. Its a side effect of cleaning the slurpee machine at work. Cleaning the red slurpees+ cleaning the blue slurpees = purple hands for me. I found $10 bucks at work today, and Jay and I split it, it was a fun day at work.

Nadia saying "Call the bitch, call her and tell her how much fun you're having" keeps looping in my head, and I giggle to myself everytime it does. Gawd, now that I have perspective on that whole situation/mess, I realize what an idiot i was.

I get to work the Toronto premier of Superman this Saturday, HOOORAY!

If there is a god, this is the biggest sign he's ever given me

Holy Crap,

I dont think ive felt this good in a ridiculously long time, if ever. I am somewhere near euphoric I am feeling so damn good. Its a great feeling, especially due to the fact that there is no crushing self doubt or insecurity counterpointing what im feeling. Ive come to realize that the "happiness" i was feeling before was hollow, as it was never really pure, I was always doubting it, there was always something that incumbered me. But today, I dunno, Im feeling really happy, and i feel like myself. I think i wove myself into my own inhibitions and created this fear of social interaction that was really consuming, and while it may have taken some syrup of a beer to break that, I think its gone. Im just feeling really awesome right now, my only regret is not doing this earlier.

Adding to this is the fact that I found out I may be on the short list for the third Team Leader at Ontarioplace. This is very cool, and almost unheard of for someone in their first season such as myself. Everything is pure speculation at this point, but it would be cool if i got it.

Success

I went and got my TB test today. It wasnt half as bad as i thought it would be, just a little serum injected under the skin and I was set. However, I have also reached the conclusion I could never do drugs by injection. My doctor put the TB test in similarly to the way you shoot up drugs, and it was bloody uncomfortable. I think it has to do with the needle going in sideways or something. It wasnt painful, it was just kinda wierd, because it seemed like you felt the needle more than when its just a straight needle into the muscle.

Im also quite proud of the CD's I bought today. Normally, when I buy multiple CDs, I wind up getting one that is kinda sketchy. Ill buy a couple of great albums, The Clash, U2, Barenaked Ladies, whatever, but then I'll offset it with some crappy album. Such CD's include 2 Treble Charger CDs, and the horror of all horrors, Remy Shand. Anyways, I went to the Music World across the street from my doctor. I dont normally go to Music World, I find that of the 3 franchises, they have the highest prices and crappier sales. However, I hadnt been to a record store in a while, so I let go of my reservations. I wound up buying 3 CDs, and I was happy. I got Rage Against The Machine's: Live at Grand Olympic Auditorium. The albums significance far outwieghs the actual recording, because it was the last show that the band played together. What amazes me is how driven the band is. There are no indications that they are collapsing under themselves, or that this is their last show. Its really cool. I also bought Californication by the Chili Peppers, just because its great. I rounded out the treo with a 20th Century Masters album from BB King. Its those really cheap CDs with the gray label, but its great, bc it has some of his more classic stuff.

My ankle is healing up well, I still cant stand on it for a full day, but the pain, swelling and bruising is slowly going away. My doctor was actually impressed by how well it was healing.

Oh, and Nadia and Becca, I thought I would take a moment to tell you that I came to my senses and said fuck buying Chucks. I spent 10 bucks more and got some really nice shoes that are super comfortable, have great arch support, and I can use for work. Thanks for talking me out of buying overglorified canvas shoes.

Fucking Liberals!!!!

Arrgh,

Had I known joining the Glendon Liberals would be such a hassle, I never would have bothered in the first place. I kinda stopped attending meetings at whatnot soon after Ken stepped down as prez, just because it started getting hella disorganized, and insanely clicky and whatnot. Its frustrating, because I think part of my slide into apathy this year was do to the fact that I wasnt in an enviornment that was politically volatile. Im the first to admit that I turn into a complete jackass the moment I engage someone in a political discussion, but at the same time, Id like to have let that jackass out at least once this year.

Anyways, Im talking about this because I keep getting fucking emails from the Liberal Leadership Cantidates. First it was Ignatieff, then Rae, then Kennedy, then someone named Martha Hall Findlay, whom Ive never heard of before. The ones from Ken Dryden started last week.

My main issue is this, I dont think any of these leaders speak to ideologies that I beleive in, MAYBE Dryden, but honestly I think its the whole "whoo, hockeyplayer" thing more than anything else. The two people I could have supported, Ashliegh McIssac and Brian Tobin, arent running. These other leaders seem to want to bring the Liberal party closer to center than the Chretien-era liberals. While I understand the logic of this - the conservatives are as far right as ever - Im also disheartened by it. To me, a centralist liberal party defeats the purpose of a "liberal" title. While I love the NDP, I dont think their ideologies will ever reach the point where a majority of canadians can support them. I need a liberal party that is going to be liberal, not one whose leader thinks the Iraqi war and "Torture-Like" interrogations are a good thing.

Grrr,

In other news, I worked at OP for 2 days straight, on a horribly bruised and swollen ankle. On top of it, I took a Market Square shift today, which meant I was out in the lovely sun/intermittent wind, as opposed to the relative shelter of the Cinesphere. As a result, I am now sunburned. Fun fun. I think I was correct in my declaration of "Give me Cinesphere, or Give me Death!!!"

From Inside My Head

I guess Im a relatively uncomplex person. I dont really give this much thought, but it it something that Ive come to realize. I dont carry any real emotional baggage with me, I dont have any great deep dark secrets that I live with. My only problems are relatively common troubles that are prevelant among suburbanites. Translation: Im bored and somewhat apathetic.

I think a side effect of this, and something Im not happy with, is the fact that when it comes to other people, and their often more complex issues, I really am not the best at helping. I mean, I want to help, but Im not sure I have the experence to. I have an unfortunate habit of thinking that resolve should come quickly, as it generally does for me, but realistically, I know that cant happen. It just frustrates me because I hate to see the people I care about in pain, or feeling shitty or whatever, but I dont know if Im capable of helping them.